There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
You Might Also Like
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.