Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
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My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
it’s the silliest best thing
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth