When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
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I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown