There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
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Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.