I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
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“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.