@C_J_Commode

There is simply no need to add “NSFW” in your bio. This is twitter. None of us have jobs.

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@TheBoydP

If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?

@aveuaskew

Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.

@drinksmcgee

[Toy Store]

Customer: I’m looking for a toy that will help my baby learn to count but will also haunt him for the rest of his life.

Me: I got you.

@iwearaonesie

mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates

@bazecraze

I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.

@junejuly12

10:00: gets in hammock

10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock

10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock

@meganamram

I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie

@Marcmywords2

“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”

Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.