Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
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So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it