There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
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I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
* gets mugged *
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