There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
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Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
asked my bf how work was today
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket