I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
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Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.