[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
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[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.