There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
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Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Sunday
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Punctuation Matters. Period.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic