On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
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Ask her why she looks so tired. That’ll wake her up.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER!
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.