There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
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Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.