There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
You Might Also Like
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Don’t make me out nice you.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.