there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
You Might Also Like
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.