There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
You Might Also Like
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down