There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.

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Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.


I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.


I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.


I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.


So what happens if I neglect to “safely” remove the USB from the OH DEAR GOD THE BLOOD.


Thinking of calling into work due to diarrhea…no one questions diarrhea


This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.


[Fitbit commercial with me]

BEFORE: lazy guy

AFTER: lazy guy who had $129


On the phone to the chinese food place & my cat’s all chatty… I cover the receiver and hiss “Shhh, you want them to hear you?”


[spelling bee]

Your word is ’embarrassing’

“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”

No, it’s really ’embarrassing’

“Ok, I promise not to laugh”