There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.

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<first date>

Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*

Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*


Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline


Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time


Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night


Coworker: What’s twitter like?

Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.


1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible

-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing


Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on


M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.

H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.



M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.


These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”