@Loli_Sug

There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.

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@sixfootcandy

Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*

– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.

@KrazykurtKurt

I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha

@tweetsbyrocket

sirius black: im innocent

judge: i don’t believe you

sirius: give me truth serum

judge: for some reason no

@frankzulla

Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.

I can’t unsee it now

@gregbuchanan

If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company

@AverageClo

Why do people say “To be frank…” when they’re about to be brutally honest?

WHAT IF FRANK LIED!?

WHAT IF I WANT TO BE MARLENE!?

@C_J_Commode

There is simply no need to add “NSFW” in your bio. This is twitter. None of us have jobs.

@heatherjs

If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”

@thejamietighe

Coworker: What book you reading there?

Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’

CW:…

Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.