Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
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Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
My wife hates it when I introduce her as my ex-girlfriend.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”