Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*slides it in*
– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
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I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
sirius black: im innocent
judge: i don’t believe you
sirius: give me truth serum
judge: for some reason no
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
Why do people say “To be frank…” when they’re about to be brutally honest?
WHAT IF FRANK LIED!?
WHAT IF I WANT TO BE MARLENE!?
There is simply no need to add “NSFW” in your bio. This is twitter. None of us have jobs.
octopus: [gun in each hand]
cat: you’re one short buddy
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.