There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
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“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
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Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.