There should be a YouTube compilation of the expressions on women’s faces when they discover a dress they are trying on also has pockets.

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Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.


Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*

*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.


age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home

age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.


Never let them see how much they hurt you. Or the gun. Definitely don’t let them see the gun.


You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.


Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?


When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.

I know that now.


The Hogwarts teachers must have felt so stupid when their traps designed to keep Voldemort from the stone were beaten by three 11 year olds


*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*

*sets loose in back yard*

*never mows again*


Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground