@AliciaATobin

There should be a YouTube compilation of the expressions on women’s faces when they discover a dress they are trying on also has pockets.

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@WilliamAder

Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.

@andylassner

The Samsung Galaxy is a cool phone if you don’t mind carrying around a 42″ screen.

@RappaRick

?”Can’t touch this.”

“Can’t touch this.”

“Can’t touch this.”

–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour

@owlbacon

They should make realistic pregnancy test commercials. 2 best friends in a bathroom praying for a neg & celebrating w a shot & a happy dance

@NewDadNotes

Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.

Me: just tell her to use the force lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?

Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.

@TheAlexNevil

Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.

@causticbob

A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”

@charliedelta7

My 4yo: Dad, you’re old, right?

Me: I’m not that old.

4: You’re not new.

Me: Go to bed.

@citizenkawala

People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.

But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.