According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
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I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.