M: If my chip:salsa ratio isn’t perfectly even, I will burn down this restaurant, I swear to God.
H: This is our house.
M: I SWEAR TO GOD!
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
You Might Also Like
The guy who created Virgin airlines probably didnt go to high school otherwise he would have called it “shes probably lying airlines”.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.