@WilliamAder

There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.

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@MsFoxIfUrNasty

M: If my chip:salsa ratio isn’t perfectly even, I will burn down this restaurant, I swear to God.
H: This is our house.
M: I SWEAR TO GOD!

@LeonEarlgrey

The guy who created Virgin airlines probably didnt go to high school otherwise he would have called it “shes probably lying airlines”.

@Contwixt

Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.

@JermHimselfish

Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.

@PetrickSara

[Married Pillow Talk]

Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.

@ACartoonCat

*On a 1st date*

Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉

Them: We’re having a picnic

Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said

@gobmentcheese

A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.

@ItsAndyRyan

“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*

@patnspankme

Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.