There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
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Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Good dog. ❤️
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing