@NYC_Blonde

There should be an option on travel websites that let’s you search for “flights that are least likely to have noisy children”.

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@dorsalstream

Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.

Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.

@meechonmars

BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole

@Mickey_McCauley

For every hour that passes without payment, I will teach another hostage “Wonderwall” on acoustic guitar and release him back to you

@IndecisiveJones

[creating scorpions]

satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second

@uccjeb

Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.

@tyrion1

Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.

@BrownBoxers

No cop can catch a kid on a 10 speed.

-every 80s movie with cops chasing kids on 10 speeds.

@daddyville

I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.

@IchBin_Rob

GPS: Take the next right.

Me:

GPS: Make a U-Turn.

GPS: Make a U-Turn.

Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…

@mrjohndarby

imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name