there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
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The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
Seductively sings in Klingon.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
reviewed some movies recently
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”