@Brocklesnitch

there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them

You Might Also Like

@shatterpants

If Kung Fu Panda taught me anything, it’s that obese people can be accepted…so long as they know kung fu.

@DillDoes

[god inventing animals]
okay here’s a new one. It’s an umbrella
“okay”
made out of jello
“alright”
and it electrocutes things
“you’re drunk”

@JoParkerBear

You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.

@WilliamAder

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.

@TheToddWilliams

KID: Dad?

DAD: Yes, son

KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?

DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-

KID: Never mind

@joeljeffrey

When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.

@Moldy_Jellybean

At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.

@faizziy

She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..