there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them

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If Kung Fu Panda taught me anything, it’s that obese people can be accepted…so long as they know kung fu.


[god inventing animals]
okay here’s a new one. It’s an umbrella
made out of jello
and it electrocutes things
“you’re drunk”


You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.


Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.


KID: Dad?

DAD: Yes, son

KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?

DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-

KID: Never mind


When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.


At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.


She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..