There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
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If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.