“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
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We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*