There there password. I don’t think you’re weak.

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Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?


You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”

– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters


When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.


Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM


Fish must be excellent drivers. Very rarely do you hear about fish getting into car accidents.


Dentist’s steal teeth for the tooth fairy money. There, I said it.


If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.


There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.

I may never leave.


Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.


If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info