@shadygeekdad

There there password. I don’t think you’re weak.

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@Shade510

Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?

@BlindChow

You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”

– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters

@Shade510

When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.

@EndhooS

Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM

@TheTalkingPipe

Fish must be excellent drivers. Very rarely do you hear about fish getting into car accidents.

@freefanaddict

Dentist’s steal teeth for the tooth fairy money. There, I said it.

@Hurly_Burly

If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.

@LADaddy

There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.

I may never leave.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.

@wendchymes

If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info