when the cashier tells me my total, I always say, “that was a great year”. depending on how they react to totals like $16.92 or $34.20 tells me if they’re a time traveler or not.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
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Alexa, which cat breeds are the most absorbent?
I just plugged in a USB cord on the first try. My wife is in for a treat tonight.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
*finally detangles ear buds
I gave my 1yo a chocolate covered raisin. He chewed, paused, then gave me a look that told me he will never trust another human being again.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.