there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
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Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000