@MrSpoonicorn

there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911

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@Reverend_Scott

when the cashier tells me my total, I always say, “that was a great year”. depending on how they react to totals like $16.92 or $34.20 tells me if they’re a time traveler or not.

@yonewt

Alexa, which cat breeds are the most absorbent?

@TheMichaelRock

I just plugged in a USB cord on the first try. My wife is in for a treat tonight.

@NotTodayEric

Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.

@GibJimson

Damn girl, are you an octagon?

Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.

@AristotlesNZ

I gave my 1yo a chocolate covered raisin. He chewed, paused, then gave me a look that told me he will never trust another human being again.

@AComicTragedy

Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.

@SarcasticSadOne

I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.