There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
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Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then