Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
You Might Also Like
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
When I said I liked it rough.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck