Nicki Minaj is my favorite teletubby
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
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Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?
-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
I send thank you cards to people that don’t invite me to their weddings
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*