@joshy_beck

There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.

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@mdob11

Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*

@TheNardvark

Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot

@dafloydsta

1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?

-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation

@HeyJennyConway

My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.

@LeannaO

Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”

Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”

@McNevich

I send thank you cards to people that don’t invite me to their weddings

@truegritrumble

KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.

@Puercotron

[having sex with centaur]

ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*