If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
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earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
#damn
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting