Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
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cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.