there was a hot guy at the gas station behind the register and he said insert chip and I acted like I was inserting my bag of chips and he didn’t laugh.

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[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school


WAITER: room for dessert?

ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here



“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”


I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules


Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*


My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.


The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.


[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”