@KalvinMacleod
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
@RiotGrlErin
there was a hot guy at the gas station behind the register and he said insert chip and I acted like I was inserting my bag of chips and he didn’t laugh.
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@KalvinMacleod
@weismanjake
“Um, thanks?” -A woman who posed for a Picasso painting
@TheHyyyype
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
@UncleDuke1969
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
@DirtMcTurd
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
@internetluke
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
@3sunzzz
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
@samalmightysam
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
@panmidwest
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”