@RiotGrlErin

there was a hot guy at the gas station behind the register and he said insert chip and I acted like I was inserting my bag of chips and he didn’t laugh.

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@KalvinMacleod

[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school

@TheHyyyype

WAITER: room for dessert?

ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here

@UncleDuke1969

[doorbell]

“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”

@DirtMcTurd

I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules

@internetluke

Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*

@3sunzzz

My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.

@samalmightysam

The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.

@panmidwest

[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”