There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
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soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Smells like a challenge to me
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.