There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
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Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.