there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
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Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
uncle dave has been through hell
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.