@badbanana

There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.

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@Reverend_Scott

A dog needs to be the next president.

“A dog can’t-”

When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?

“I’ll start the paperwork.”

@iamMunga

Too many kids crying. I’m never having kids.I’m just gonna adopt an adult who has a job already.

@ericsshadow

My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.

@krissywillbretz

[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.

@NickFlora

The Great Gatsby was so unrealistic. So many people at those huge parties and not once did anyone ask for the wifi password.

@trumpetcake

Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.

@ashmensch

Silent Night,
Holy Night,
All is calm,
CORNDOG FIGHT.

@decentbirthday

[2025]

student: can i go to the bathroom

teacher: *slams revolver on desk* i don’t know, can you

@Cpin42

If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear

@YourAnMoron

It’s pretty impressive that Beethoven could play the piano considering he was a St. Bernard.