A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
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Too many kids crying. I’m never having kids.I’m just gonna adopt an adult who has a job already.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
The Great Gatsby was so unrealistic. So many people at those huge parties and not once did anyone ask for the wifi password.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
All is calm,
student: can i go to the bathroom
teacher: *slams revolver on desk* i don’t know, can you
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
It’s pretty impressive that Beethoven could play the piano considering he was a St. Bernard.