There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
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It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.