There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
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I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”