FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
You Might Also Like
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
23. the denim jacket
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix