@Bob_Janke

There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.

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@thetobbie

The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…

@TheTweetOfGod

My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.

@jordan_stratton

Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”

Cat: “Oh my god…”

@cartercartilage

no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls

@clindsaysway

I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.

@noog

*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”

@3sunzzz

[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]

*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!

@Roohani19

Apparently, “he’s an army officer” isn’t the correct response to “who’s your daddy”.

@canadasandra

When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.