@Bob_Janke

There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.

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@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?

Me: I don’t know.

5-year-old:

Me:

5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?

@ItsMeHelenMary

Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?

@G00K0

My quarantine routine:

7 AM: (wake me up)

8 AM: wake me up inside

9 AM: (I can’t wake up)

3 PM: wake me up inside

4 PM: (SAAAAVE ME)

5 PM: CALL MY NAME AND SAAAAVE ME FROM THE DARK

6 PM: Pesto pasta, again

@LionJenkins

you can tell im drunk by the number of made-up words i concoctulate

@beermanboobs

*crawls into bed naked*
*grabs a book*
*sips wine*
This is nice. I wonder whose house this is.

@stevevsninjas

Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.

@girl_a_whirl

With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.

@GianDoh

I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.

@solsayswhaaa

Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: We are lost

Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine