5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
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Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
My quarantine routine:
7 AM: (wake me up)
8 AM: wake me up inside
9 AM: (I can’t wake up)
3 PM: wake me up inside
4 PM: (SAAAAVE ME)
5 PM: CALL MY NAME AND SAAAAVE ME FROM THE DARK
6 PM: Pesto pasta, again
you can tell im drunk by the number of made-up words i concoctulate
*crawls into bed naked*
*grabs a book*
This is nice. I wonder whose house this is.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine