@drewtoothpaste

there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get

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@crabgirl_

*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?

@4SLars

No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.

@dshack8

“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”

The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.

@AGreaterMonster

Hair growing from my ears and nostrils doesn’t mean I’m getting old, right? Means I’m turning into a werewolf! Right?

@Reverend_Scott

[blind date]

(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)

“So what do u do?”

Well, I’m like a-

[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]

@FredTaming

dumbledore: you know what this spot needs

hogwarts gardener: rose bu-

dimbledore: a tree that kills students

hogwarts gardener: what

dumbledore: plant the death tree

@Daveastated

Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.

Me: *throws watch into river*

@_The_Man__

[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.

@lovemydogduck

I WAS LIKE
AND HE WAS LIKE
AND I WAS LIKE
AND SHE WAS LIKE
(The speech impediment of the 21st century)

@KKAlThani

An alarm clock that sends the person you like one of your deleted mirror pictures every time you hit the snooze button.