There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
You Might Also Like
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
I don’t make the rules sorry
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.