There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
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Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
#StillHurts
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…