@JohnHilsen

There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.

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@cray_at_home_ma

Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years

@NewDadNotes

Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.

Me: I didn’t

[bounce]

Me: buy the kids

[bounce]

Me: a trampoline.

[bounce].

@IncredibleCulk

If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.

@batkaren

“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…

@NotARatsAss

My father could have the original copy of the Declaration of Independence on the counter, and still make a meatball sandwich over top of it.

@muyrando

I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.

@bartandsoul

Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting

@SoulYodeler

Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?

@brunopieroni

Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.