Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
You Might Also Like
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
Me: buy the kids
Me: a trampoline.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
The options really are this bad
My father could have the original copy of the Declaration of Independence on the counter, and still make a meatball sandwich over top of it.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.