“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
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Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
How is it still this week?
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is