Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
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Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!