“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
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When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Most fashion shows these days…
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.