There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
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I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.