There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
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Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
*orders delivery*
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
Barbie gone wild
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
I have obtained a hat