the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
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An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”