There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.

My husband is great with playing games with them.

I’m good at taking them outside to play.

And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.

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[in a world where people’s eyes are just bananas]

detective: he could still be nearby, keep your eyes peeled


[my 1st day as crime scene investigator]
detective: “how did this man drown?”
me: “he could not breathe underwater”


Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.


Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..

~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand


One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.


Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.


Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.



INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real cat person.

ME: *slowly pushes paperwork off desk*

INTERVIEWER: holy shit


Wife: Do you want waffles or pancakes for breakfast?
Me: “Or”?


I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.

Oh, wait.

That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.

I’m the second most successful guy.