There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
You Might Also Like
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
s
oc
i
a
l
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Krampus.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone