A French press is when you hug naked
You Might Also Like
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.